Not the right timing....

Well, that was an emotional roller coaster!  Yesterday I was sure that this was our girl, but was waiting to hear back from the Dr. for sure.  After waiting a little more than I wanted (let's face it, that wasn't long!  lol!) I started researching her needs in greater detail because information is vital when making this sort of decision.  Turns out her "minor" need had a 20% chance of being a pretty big deal!  While that's a small chance, if she was in that percentile, she would be mentally retarded, have a 50% chance of developing tumors in her kidneys before the age of 6, and be unable to reproduce due to ovarian malformations.  This on top of her eye condition!!  That was a bit more than I was hoping to deal with!  I kept hoping the Dr. would call and reassure me that based on her behavior listed or picture or something that she would not be in this category.  Last night before bed, I still hadn't heard back and decided that looking up needs that she might not have was not the best idea, so I re-read her file in excruciating detail.  I became worried that her behavior might be a little autistic, but it might also be because she was abandoned at 18 months and she was just emotionally shut down.  It was so hard to tell!  Again, I was hoping the Dr. would reassure me.  This morning I was hoping for that elusive email, but it never came.  I had gotten myself so paranoid that something wasn't right but it was like grasping at straws to try to put my finger on it enough to be rational.  Finally, Dirk called our Dr. to see if he had looked at the file yet.  The receptionist said it had been a crazy couple of days so she would give him the message.  He told her that we were under a time limit and she said she would do her best.  Unfortunately, he was unable to call us before our time frame was up, so we had to decline her.  Even if I wasn't feeling uneasy, we wouldn't have been able to accept a referral without a doctor's review.  I thought I would feel relieved that we turned her down and it wasn't based on my irrational fears, and to some extent I did, but I did feel really sad.  I let myself get a little attached to her and it felt a little like May all over again.  A short time frame to decide, going without a doctor's input, a child on the line....very stressful!  I changed my mind many times, but ultimately we made the only decision we could.  I think it was God's timing that we were unable to get the doctor's opinion because he seems to usually have plenty of availability and then he suddenly gets crazy the days we need to make this decision....seems like God to me!  And really, I know that he would have said that everything looked great and we should go for it.  (Maybe not, of course, but I really am convinced that is what he would've said because it really did look great on paper!)  At this point, we just keep waiting for the next phone call.  Third time's a charm, right?