Home Study

Our home study requires 4 face-to-face visits. We have already had 2 of them, so we're half-way there!

The 1st visit was about an hour long and consisted of getting to know each other. D had to spend most of the visit keeping the kids entertained because the visit went into their bed time and our kids tend to get a bit noisier when tired. I think Dr. A was a bit turned off that D wasn't actively involved in the discussions, but if he had been, the kids would have made sure there were no discussions. At least none that were audible. We've still got more visits, so they will still have time to talk. But, I explained to Dr. A why we are wanting to adopt and told her about our little girl and how we think she will fit into our family. Her job is to prepare us for any extreme possibilities, so she wants us to think about how we will handle it if our little girl is extremely aggressive, hoards food, etc. It's hard for me to be able to give answers that I feel are "complete" because everything I have read in her file indicates that she is very shy and quiet, so I honestly haven't considered the possibility of her being an aggressive child. I know that when we bring her home, if she does react to the transition violently, we will handle it. But, since I'm not expecting it, I don't really know what we will do. Heck, I don't think about how I will handle my own children when they misbehave, but when they do misbehave, I handle them. Not always well, but I'm learning. I would say that I'm doing pretty good lately. And, when I find something that "works", it usually doesn't take long for it to stop working because the kids will move on and I will need to adjust to meet them where they are. Is there such a thing as reactive parenting? I think that's what I do. On paper (or a monitor), it doesn't sound like a very wise method, but somehow it works. Most of the time. You know, when I'm not tired or overly stressed out. But, if I am tired and stressed, I'm not sure even pre-planned disciplinary tactics would work because I wouldn't be coherent enough to follow the plan. I'm just guessing..... Enough about that! I'm writing about the home study. So, the 1st visit went rather well. I was asking her about the process of bringing our little girl home. Before we can return to Germany, we have to first go to the US to get our little girl's American passport. I thought we also needed a Certificate of Citizenship, but Dr. A said that wasn't important and would probably be easier to get from Germany anyways. She said that we will probably only need to be in the US for a few days, just long enough to get an expedited passport. That's great news for me because I thought it was going to be months!

The 2nd visit was the next morning. (Yay for not having to deep-clean the house again!) Dr. A did a walk-through of the house to make sure that our little girl would live in a suitable environment. That did NOT go as well as I had expected. I lost count of how many times she said, "This house is just not good for children" or some variant. By the time she left, I was quite upset that we might be denied just because we live in a German house! German houses are just NOT kid friendly like American houses are. It's just how they're made. We've made the changes we felt we needed to make in order to keep our kids safe. Our kids are not your "easy" kids. They are climbers, they are explorers, they get into EVERYTHING and NOTHING can deter them! DJ can unlock just about anything and can climb to reach things that I have trouble reaching on chairs! I figure that if it's safe for these 3, it's certainly safe for another. But, she couldn't get over the fact that we have typical German windows....LOTS of them! The German windows are large, easy to open, have no screens, and open all the way so it is easy to fall out of them. She said that we would need to install locks on EVERY SINGLE window in the entire house, all 21 of them! She was also quite concerned about a half-railing we have on our top floor. It's about 6 feet wide and maybe 3 1/2 feet high and has slats. The slats are 4 1/2 inches wide, so much too small for a child to squeeze through. Right now, we have our toy box and another floor toy against it to keep the kids from constantly rolling/pushing toys off the edge where they then fall to the next floor (loudly!). I admitted that the toy box is too easy to climb on and that it was not my best idea, but that we hadn't found anything better to put there yet. I also explained that only DJ & L are allowed upstairs alone and they know not to climb over the edge. Any time N is up there, he is supervised. Our new little girl would always be supervised as well. Apparently, that's not worth anything, because she suggested that we cover the railing with something and maybe even put barbed wire at the top. She half-admitted that she was kidding about the barbed wire, but that's how badly she hated that railing. Then there's the "yard", that is basically a little patch of grass before a steep hill down to a busy road and there's a bus stop right outside our dining room window. When we first moved in, we were told that our landlord was going to make the yard more functional. She was supposed to level it out so that we would have a bigger usable area and put up a fence to give us a bit of privacy. Well, people came out to give her estimates, but evidently it was too expensive. So, instead of doing the promised work, she sold the house and we now have new landlords. How that's legal, I'll never know. Anyways, back to the home study. Dr. A hated the yard just as I do. It's about the worst yard for children, which is why we NEVER use it! It's a bathroom for our dog. Otherwise, we wouldn't even bother opening the back door. I explained to her that I rarely even take the kids out there, but when I do, they are to stay on the small "patio" portion and color with chalk. They are not allowed in the grass or we go back inside. If they want to play outside, we go across the street to the playground, which is much more fun anyways. She still suggested that we put up some kind of little fence of some kind. I really don't want to put any work into that yard because of the betrayal it represents to me and the fact that we never use it. If it's going to be the difference between having our home study approved or denied, I'll do it. But, if it's not that important, the new lock on the door to go outside will have to suffice. Then there's the open stairs leading from the middle to the top floor. I have hated those stairs as well, but there's nothing I can do except always be with the kids whenever they go up or down them, which I do. I'm not with DJ or L every time because they are more than competent with stairs, but even still I try to go with them whenever possible. After she had given me a lot of work to do on the house, I gave her the paperwork that we have so she can go through it and we discussed the permission from the Germans and why it is so elusive. Apparently, we still don't technically have their permission, but it seems just within our grasp. We discussed possible ways to actually get it. That was good. If she was going to just flat out deny us because of the house, then she wouldn't have bothered discussing the permission....right?

Wow, I really didn't intend to go into so much detail. Anyways, we have 2 visits left to go before she will write up the actually home study. Once that is complete, we will submit our I-800A to the US, which is basically requesting permission to adopt. Once that is approved, we submit everything to our agency and they have everything translated to send to our foreign country for final approval. Then, we wait for our travel papers and can get our little girl! I'm sure there's something I'm missing in there, but that's the big picture of the rest of the process. Getting closer!

One Step Closer

It's only a baby step, but it's still a step! I have emailed copies of everything we have so far to the agency and they are going to submit our "online application" Monday or Tuesday with the foreign country. It is my understanding that when this application is approved, our daughter goes from being a "agency referral" to our personal daughter-in-waiting. We will have 6 months to complete our Dossier and send it to the foreign country to be approved. I like having that 6 month deadline, oddly enough. It feels like just the right amount of time.

We are also going to have our 1st home visit on Wednesday! I know I'm supposed to be nervous about our social worker coming to our house, but I'm just excited! I guess it helps that we already have 3 little kids, so I know the house is already set up to be pretty child-friendly. I am actually looking forward to suggestions to make it more accommodating to a blind child too. I have changed a few things here and there, but for the most part, I'm unsure of what special things might need done for her. I'm really looking forward to meeting our social worker too! We have emailed and spoken on the phone and she seems really nice and easy-going, so I'm viewing this as an educational process as opposed to us being judged as fit or unfit to be parents.

I will keep you posted!

The journey continues!

I received an email this morning from our home study agency. Our main contact said that the German approval letter is out there! She doesn't have a copy of it yet, but it exists!! I have no idea how she knows that when I haven't heard anything about it yet, but I don't care. It exists!!! If she isn't completely mistaken, this is a HUGE miracle since Germany is not big on exceptions to their rules. YAY!!! Now, we get to start our 12 hours of online education and then schedule our home study! I'm so ready for this!!

DJ and L (especially L!) have been very concerned lately with how long it is taking to bring their new sister home. L tells me daily that "when we bring that little girl from C home, she is going to be my sister!" It's amazing how eager they both are to meet her. Maybe they're just catching some of my emotions, but I really think that they are understanding the big picture. They definitely don't know why we have to wait so long (or why it costs so much money, as DJ is currently fixated on), but they understand that she needs a family and that we will be her family as soon as we can.

DJ actually told me as we were driving up to McD's (my favorite comfort food) that he thought the reason we had to wait so long to bring her home was because we weren't saving enough money for her. Talk about humbling as I went to buy my large Big Mac meal. It didn't taste quite as good after that. :-\ We do have enough money, but he's right. I'm glad he can remind me of all of my impulse purchases that do add up. We have enough money to bring her home. We make enough money to give her a comfortable, happy life. But, it's still a good idea to watch my spending more carefully because we don't know whether she will require medication or perhaps surgery to restore vision. Our insurance will probably cover it, but we have to be prepared in case they don't. And, even if they do cover it, it's a reimbursement, so we have to have the money up-front either way. We don't know what therapies she may need or at what cost (money AND time). We also will have 4 years of catching up to do on college saving and we'll need to start saving for her wedding. (I like to plan ahead...) Besides being smart financially, less fast food will also be good for my body! Can't complain there!! :-)

More waiting

This morning I checked my email and finally got a response from our agency. They had been in communication with the Federal CA, but apparently we will need to get permission from the local German CA. For those keeping track, these are the same people who said we had "no hope" last year. Certainly not encouraging. I am hoping that if the agency asks, they may be willing to consider the possibility. There is an "Adoption Placement Act" here that says that outside adoption agencies can obtain special permission on a case-by-case basis, but from what I have heard, that "act" hasn't actually been put into practice. I'm hoping that knowing about it gives us a bit more of a chance. As a last resort, I can always bring a picture of our little princess with me to their office and appeal in person. I hope that seeing her beautiful face and my inevitable tears might help them understand that there are people involved and that this little girl deserves a family. I have been told that this will probably not matter because the bureaucrats are "heartless", but at least I can try. Here's to praying for a miracle!!

I hate waiting....

We have ordered all of our documents. We actually just got our first one in the mail. I can't tell you how exciting it was to get that 1 document, but it was good! We also had our physical exam complete with an insane amount of blood work. That was some expensive blood work, too! That's about it for progress though...

We can't begin our home study until we get written permission, either from the German government or from the USCIS, that we can do this adoption. Ugh!! This was why we asked in the first place, but we were assured that everything would be fine. *sigh* I never did get a call back from the city adoption authority. Am I surprised? Not in the least. I should probably call them back and "remind" them that they were supposed to actually call me back, but I'm fairly certain that if I do that, they will simply say "no". So, at least with no phone call, I can safely say that I tried and they didn't say no....I gotta find some humor in this somewhere! My agency has emailed the German authority as well as USCIS. My brain is being all kinds of pessimistic. After all, this has NEVER been authorized before! EVER!! But, I'm trying to hold onto hope. God told us to bring this little girl home. He is capable of so much more than I can fathom, so I know that He can do this too! If we need to rock the boat a bit more, I'm all for that if that's what it takes. :-D

Speaking of rocking the boat, I actually contacted the European Union the other day to see if this was legal since almost every other European country has granted this permission to American expats. They forwarded my message to some other departments, but what I have heard back so far is that every country gets to decide its own rules about adoption. Boo!! They also sent me a link to a page with help obtaining a lawyer in case I felt I needed one. That is actually tempting, but I doubt we'll have a case. This is something bigger than the courts. This is UN big. I wonder if they could help us..... Yes, I really am serious. The more people I talk to, the bigger this issue seems. It's not just for us. There are many families being denied their right to bring another child into their homes and love. This, of course, denies those precious children the right to families and THAT is a crime!! At any rate, I will keep you posted as I hear anything. (Hopefully soon!)

Obstacle 1

Our application has been submitted. Our money has rapidly begun to disappear. ;-) We have a list of documents that we need to obtain in triplicate as quickly as possible. Each document has to be notarized and certified and needs an apostille! (Overkill doesn't even begin to describe this process!) I cannot order anything over the phone, but fortunately, many of the documents I need can be ordered online or via emailing forms to the appropriate contacts. My mom is helping me obtain the ones I cannot get from here. It's a pain in the butt, but I'm glad to be kept busy! Less time to dwell on the fact that she is still there waiting for us. Less time to worry about what Germany may do to interfere. Less time to think about anything!

I had a bit of mis-communication with the agency that we want to do our home study. I had contacted them WAY back when, before we knew living in Germany would be a problem. Then, I had to inform them that the agency we thought we would be working with had another social worker they wanted us to use. Time passes. We end up with a different agency who says we can use whoever, as long as they're Hague accredited. So, I emailed the home study agency again to say they we're back in the game and would love for them to do our home study. They must not have gotten the email. Anyways, we got that straightened out. Unfortunately, the main worker whom I have spoken with several times said that the USCIS has been really cracking down, so we would need to get permission before she would feel comfortable beginning our home study. *SIGH* Since the people with our agency had reassured us that they checked with USCIS and they said it would not be a problem since we are US citizens, I told our home study contact about that. She suggested we try to get that in writing to make sure we don't have problems down the road. A VERY good idea!! However, I caught a nasty cold from DJ and it's making it hard to not get discouraged by this. I'm sure everything will work out fine. At least, I'm trying to tell myself that. :-\ I will keep you posted....

-V

It starts...

I got an email this morning that our little girl is officially our "personal referral"!! This means that nobody else can adopt her while we work to gather documents for our dossier, complete our home study, and get USCIS approval. The tricky part is that we only have 90 days or she goes back on the shared list and anyone can adopt her again. How on earth we are going to get everything done in 90 days is beyond me. I have sent every email I can and now I just have to wait on some answers. I'm hoping to get responses by tonight then I can begin calling to request documents! (One benefit of being in a time zone 7 hours ahead is that I can do things in the evening when it's convenient for me and it's still the middle of the day in the states so everything is actually open!) I'm trying to treat this as methodically as I can. We're still not 100% convinced that we will be able to adopt her, so I have to hold a shred of doubt or I risk my world caving in if it won't go through. Getting sleep over the weekend was hard enough! Once we get the I-800A approved, we will be able to breathe a sigh of relief and know that we made it through the major hurdle! Here's to hoping governmental agencies are cooperative and VERY quick!! (We may need more of a miracle yet!)

Preparing for battle.....

We might have a problem. Our next step involves a large sum of money to the agency for their services. While the money itself isn't a problem, D is worried that we are going to pay a lot of money and THEN somewhere along the process get denied because we live in Germany. This would leave us in the same situation we were in, but with a LOT less money as it is not refundable. (In our situation, they might be willing to make an exception, but we don't want to take the risk) Anyways, I tried to double-check that we will be ok and the answer was that we should check with US Dept. of State or Germany. I asked our home study provider and she agreed that it would be much better to get Germany's blessing before we proceed. She said there's a chance that we could do the entire process with no problems, but that it's a small chance. So, she is going to try to contact some people in Germany. I am not sure if I should try or if that might just make things worse if they keep saying no and become unwilling to hear me out. I may need to call the US Dept of State and explain how basically every expat in Germany (and from the sounds of it, possibly most of Europe) has been neglected as we live in limbo. Host countries won't let us use their agencies because we aren't fluent or aren't citizens, yet they won't let us use US agencies because in their rules-based system, there's no room for that option. The system is so frustrating I could scream! If things weren't so chaotic at home right now (not having a working van might be the biggest stresser there is!!) I might be willing to call and harass as many people as it took to overhaul the system because this is just ridiculous and everyone I have talked to agrees! The Hague Convention might be the worst thing that happened to international adoption. There's no benefit to it being this way! Just a lot of harm done, mostly to the children who desperately need the love of a family! I will not give up. This is FAR from over! God told me to bring her home and I will do that, with or without Germany's help. (Though, if they would be so kind as to give us a simple letter, it would make things SO much easier!)

To be continued.....

Good times all around!

A lot has happened lately. Yesterday, my sister's adoption was finalized! The first thing they did was to pierce their new daughter's ears. So appropriate!! I believe they also painted her fingernails and toenails for the first time, but I didn't see proof of that, so perhaps she wouldn't cooperate for that.

Today is L's 4th birthday! She was SO excited this morning when I told her that today was finally her birthday! (She started thinking every day was her birthday more than a month ago and finally decided her birthday would never come because I had to say no so often) Of course, this poor child will have to wait to have her party again this year. Last year, she was sick the day of her party so it had to be postponed nearly a month! This year, I still haven't received my package with everything I needed to make her invitations. (Thanks, Hurricane Irene for assisting with that, BTW!) She and N will probably have a joint birthday party. She wanted Minnie Mouse and fortunately I went with a gender neutral scheme of red with white dots. I can easily modify it for Mickey/Minnie and they can both have a fantastic party! L will not want to share the spotlight, but N will be happy with balloons and cake, so he won't take much more than he would if it was just her party anyways. I'm hoping my package arrives soon so I can get crafting! :-)

In perhaps my favorite news of all, we started the process of adopting a little girl!! I found her while browsing through the waiting children lists that I look through. It was love at first sight! Except that she's in C, the country we were told we can't adopt from. I tried to move on and I thought I had moved on, but God told me that we needed to get her. He reminded me of the parable of the lost sheep and basically said that we should do whatever it took, even if that meant I would have to move back to the states for the process leaving D behind. DJ, L, & N would probably come with me, though I hated the idea of taking DJ & L out of Kindergarten and having them forever lag in German because of it. So, there was the possibility of my taking only N and leaving DJ & L with D. As I emailed my agency contacts, I was not getting great responses. D would have to be with us in the states for the entire homestudy process (which is much longer than he could manage). The timeframe of adoption was often cited as being between 14 months and 2 years before I would be able to come back home. But that is too long for a family to be split up. I hated the idea of sacrificing my family and my 3 kids for 1 little girl. It didn't seem right. But, God kept nudging. Torn between doing the "obvious" thing and obeying God against what made sense, I finally got the email I had hoped for! My preferred agency said that we could do our homestudy here as long as the agency who performs it is 100% Hague accredited. Easy!! I have 2 options for that! So, we have submitted our application to them, received the little girl's file, and accepted her as our "referral". I'm not exactly sure what extra steps we will have to take to make this work with Germany, but I'm willing to do it! I'm assuming it will involved a trip to the states while we wait for things to be finalized before we can bring her home. Once she is a US citizen and has a US passport, I don't think Germany can do much about it. I hope! All I know is that God has made it very clear that she is meant to be our daughter. If Germany tries to stand in the way, they will have a very angry "momma bear" and an infinitely bigger "Papa bear" to recon with.

Congratulations!!

3 months has gone by since my last post?! Wow, that was fast! My sister found out about a child in need about a week ago and will be bringing her home tonight! Congrats to her!!! I've gotta say, I'm pretty jealous because I've been waiting so long and haven't even gotten off the starting block yet, but I'm also crazy excited that she and her husband are able to be the new parents of this precious little girl! The (major) downside is that I won't get to meet her for over a month!! :-( But, it could be longer....only visiting the states once a year has major disadvantages!

I've still been watching photolistings like crazy. I've found the perfect little girl who looks just like Boo from Monsters, Inc! She's blind, but doesn't look blind. This is cool because I always told D that I thought we might end up with a blind child. And, she's in a non-Hague country!! Sadly, her country will only place in the 50 states. I had contacted many agencies before about this country and all said it was just not possible. But, just today, this little girl's profile came up on 2 separate sites! So, I asked again. Can't hurt, right? ;-)

Otherwise, still hanging in there and praying. I'm anxious to get our home study completed, but I also know that might not be the ideal in the long run since it may expire before we need it and then we'll be stuck renewing it. As I look at waiting children, many of them say they are only available to home study ready families. This hasn't become an issue for us yet because 99% of the time, they are located in a Hague country, but I worry that it may interfere with a possible adoption later on. Patience.....patience...... *sigh*

*Edit: This little girl I am completely in love with is actually in the Hague country that we were already told there was "no hope" in adopting from. :-( I'm still going to ask the German officials because I have to do something. She is just perfect for us!! Also forgot to mention that her birthday is Feb 22, 2008. My other kids are 2006, 2007, and 2009, so she would fill that gap AND February is during a part of the year where we don't have any immediate birthdays, so it would work well for that too! All-in-all, she's PERFECT!! Just need the German government to see that and grant us that exception...... I might drive the hour to the local office and show them the picture. They can't say no to that precious face, right?!

On the verge?

I have this strange feeling today. It's a little hard to explain, but it somehow feels like we're ridiculously close to starting a whirlwind adoption process. Like we're crossing a threshold and we've finally made it to the door, we've picked up our foot to take the last step through the door and it's mid-swing - that's where I feel right now. I'm not sure why I feel this anticipation, but I like it! I'm not anxious or impatient, just ready. As if it could be only a matter of days before I'm emailing and calling and tracking down required paperwork and we're taking online training courses and meeting with the people who will complete our home study. I'm so ready! After waiting many years to submit our dossier and wait some more, I'm feeling more and more like God's leading us away from the slow marathon-waiting style of adoption and more into the blazing fast 5K sprint style! It'll be hectic, that's for sure! It'll be hard to watch our bank account drain so quickly (one MAJOR perk of having the long wait is that the fees are also spread out!). I'm sure I'm going to feel overwhelmed by having such a long list of things to get done NOW. But, I can do crazy, rushed, hectic. Especially if it's only for a few months! And, the pay-off is that we'll get to go get our new child that much sooner! :-D Bring it on!!

-V

A New Door?

A lot has happened since I last blogged. I have been in email contact with many new people/agencies who have helped to confirm that while living in Germany, it is absolutely impossible to adopt from any Hague convention country. For some reason, I can now accept this as truth rather than trying to find a way to be the exception to the rule. For me, this is HUGE!!! (Right, Mom? lol!) Yet, I know this isn't the end of our journey, or even a delay. Maybe it's more of a detour? The person (RB) who finally convinced me of the truth that we cannot adopt from the country we always wanted also suggested a similar non-Hague country that he has been working with many families to adopt from. Other people had also suggested other options, but none of them sounded appealing before, yet this time the suggestion struck a chord.

Yesterday, I also met with a lady from our church who has adopted in the past and she shared bits and pieces of her stories (she has so many!) and really encouraged me! She gave me 2 especially great pieces of advice that I will be sure to hold onto! One is to not get ahead of myself on the paper-chase because forms expire, so the timing is very important. This is especially good for me to remember because if it were up to me, I would already have all the documents notarized and ready, but then they might not be valid when we need them to be. The other piece of advice is to never underestimate the value of a closed door. She shared her own journey that she said was so frustrating at the time because it felt like doors were constantly being closed on her and it was so discouraging! Yet, in the end, she said that she could clearly see how God was moving to make sure that she and her husband stayed exactly where He wanted them and that they were able to get the children that God had planned for them. This was very encouraging! And the more I think about it, the more I think that God put country #1 on my heart for so long just to keep me from adopting too soon. (It's the only one I was willing to wait for) Then, He brought us to the ONE country that won't let us do that adoption! (Seriously, Italy, France, Spain, etc....All ok with it, just not Germany!) Maybe He has done all of this to get us ready to adopt, but not too soon. I have found an agency who works with many countries and is able to help us adopt from our new country, which I will nickname "Tiger" because tigers are cool! I don't think tigers actually live in that country, but how cool would that be if they did!?

At this point, this is where we are at: Watching, praying, and waiting. The Agency has given me access to their list of waiting children. When I see a child that I would like to know more about, I can email them and they will send me the child's file to review. Then D and I carefully look the file over to see if we would be able to meet the needs of the child. Then we pray, a lot. If we come across the right child, then we say that we would like to adopt that one. At that point, the Agency then forwards our information to the Home in "Tiger" (yup, cool already!) and the Home makes the final decision of whether we can adopt that child. They may have many families interested and need to select the best fit or we may be the only family interested, in which case, we get the child. Once the Home says we are approved to adopt that child, the Agency takes care of a whirlwind of paperwork and setting court dates and all sorts of crazy stuff while we get all excited and sign forms and make travel arrangements. :-) A fairly quick, yet crazy process! There are a LOT of places for God to direct us to the child He has chosen for us. Which is good, but will probably result in at least a little disappointment along the way. I'm ok with that. I would rather get the right child in the long run. I will be sure to keep you posted as we make any progress.

Next step: Formal application (which is quite lengthy!!)

-V

German Agency

I finally got a response from the German agency I had contacted to see what my options were. I got exactly the response I expected. (That's a first!)

1) We need to improve our German so that we may go through the process in German. (Ha! It would take 10-12 years for my German to get that good!)

2) We can only adopt from a country if we have a relative or plan on spending a lot of time there. There is 1 country that is an exception and they have older, special needs kids. Not an issue, except that country is not even on our long list.

So, we're essentially stuck. American agencies can't help because the German government won't let them. German agencies won't help because we don't speak enough German and don't have relatives in any of our "preferred" countries. (That's not even to mention the fact that Germany doesn't work with our country of choice) When I muster up the motivation (currently trying to straighten out an issue that was supposed to be resolved months ago with our Kabel company), I'm going to call the Central Authority back and explain my predicament to see if maybe she'll grant us the exception to use a US agency since the German agency isn't really an option. It's worth a shot anyways.....

-V

Dream

Last night I had the most wonderful dream! I was in an orphanage and there was a very special little girl who I knew was going to be our daughter. She was a little older and so beautiful!! We played together for many hours and she was very fun and sweet! I soaked everything in! I was a little sad that she would not be coming home with us this time, but I knew that it wouldn't be long. We had 1 more trip to make and that time she would get to come home with us. Strangely, I was more sad for her than for myself for the time that we would now be apart. I knew I could anticipate the next trip and could focus on that, but I was sad that she might be missing us and wanting to be with her family more than anything and that the time apart would be much harder for her to take. At this point, I remember trying to figure out which country we were even in, because I had no idea. Now I need to do some research, because I honestly have no idea where she is and I desperately want to find her! Maybe God has a different plan after all! :)

-V

Not giving up....

Those of you who know me, know I am stubborn (to say the least). As much as I try to convince myself to just wait, it doesn't feel right. So, I emailed the authorities in the country I wish to adopt from explaining my predicament in the hopes that they can somehow make an exception to allow me to use a German agency or something. I have yet to hear anything and it's been a few weeks, so I'm not holding my breath on that one.

Late last week, I also emailed a German agency in broken, translated German. Hopefully they could understand it! lol! They obviously don't work with the country I want to adopt from, but they do work with other countries I am willing to adopt from instead. I go back and forth on whether to wait for the "ideal" country or whether to adopt a child from another country now. I'm currently reading the book "Radical". I seriously want to adopt about 5 kids because of what I'm reading! (I'd say more kids, but at some point the thin line of my sanity will actually snap and that might not be so good either....) So, I figured it wouldn't hurt to at least contact the German agency.

I'm expecting 1 of 2 things to happen:

1) They tell me that they can help me, but we have to be able to understand the pre-adoption training, which is in German, as well as all of the paperwork, which will also be in German. (The possible except is if we adopt from Kenya, which conveniently enough, requires all documents to be translated into English!) I figure if this happens, we ask if we can do our training online through a Hague certified site, in English. After all, the requirement is to understand it, not to simply "do" it. For the paperwork, there's always friends and Google translate! ;-)

2) They tell me that they cannot help me, because we don't speak German well enough or because we "don't have a vested interest in that country" (we aren't going to move there, speak the language, or marry someone from there, etc.) This was mentioned on their website. Apparently, they have some moral obligation or something to prevent people from adopting someone out of their comfort zone or something. I really don't get that one. Anyways, if this is the response, I will then call the lady at the Central Authority back and say that I contacted a German agency who was unwilling to help me, so can I please use the American agency that was.

It might seem manipulative, but I prefer to look at it as a win/win. I will play by the rules, if they let me. But, if they block me from both ends, I will not go down without a fight. :) I will be sure to keep you posted!

-V

Sad News :(

The lady from the Central Authority called me back today with a few more questions. Apparently, she thought we were in the military, which I thought I had explained last time we spoke, but maybe not. I said that we were civilians and that my husband worked here for an American company that had opened a branch here and that I stayed at home with my children. Her tone changed. She said that she had thought we were military, but that this makes things much more difficult. She said that if we were military, we would not be able to do anything with the Central Authority (I think she meant, we could proceed without their blessing). However, since we are not military, we would have to use a German adoption agency as we live in Germany. She said the exception to this is if we want to use a US agency to adopt a child from the US. *sigh* She seemed to truly understand our situation and was very kind and wanted to help us, so I am sure if she says that it is not possible, that it really and truly is not possible. Biggest problem is that German adoption agencies cannot work with the country we want to adopt from. Apparently, that's not enough of a reason to make an exception, though. :-( So, either I learn to be VERY patient, we move back to the states way earlier than we should, OR we adopt from a different country (which will be a VERY tough adoption as there is a massive language barrier and we will probably be stuck doing German paperwork through the agency and we will have to do US paperwork on our own - NOT fun!! And, that's assuming we can do it in 1 adoption. Might have to re-adopt when we move back to the states, I don't know how that would work.....)

This is very discouraging to me. My whole life, this is something I have looked to do in September of this year. Now, all doors are shut. And, to pour lemon juice in the wound, there is a lovely adoption tax refund that might expire at the end of this year!! Typically, I can handle set-backs and disappointments. They're part of life, after all! This time, though, I'm really confused. God has put this DEEP calling in my heart for so many years and He's been really increasing it lately, but all doors are shut. I would like to know what He's preparing me for!! Is there going to be an immigrant family who has a crisis and cannot raise their child? Is there a child in some other country, even though God has always placed this one country on my heart? Is He trying to get us to move back to the states? I feel like I have more questions than ever!! I know that God is big on patience, but this seems like a bit much to simply be a lesson in patience! I mean, it's one thing to say "hang on, wait a little longer", but it's another to fan the flames of passion inside someone's heart, then say "oh, now you have to wait several more years"! I trust God. I rely on Him. But, I hope His plan is a bit quicker than what everyone around me is saying. My greatest fear is that I will try to numb the pain by ignoring the desire I have always had to adopt or even denying it altogether. I don't want to do that!! I would rather ache for this child and try to pretend I don't want her or that she isn't wanted! I guess here's to praying.....lots and LOTS of praying!

-V

Bureaucratic Nightmares.....

After digging deeper and deeper into government websites for both US and Germany, I think this is going to take nothing short of a miracle (and not a little miracle, but something along the lines of the Plagues of Egypt miracle!) just to be able to adopt a child now!

I had sent an email to the state department in the US to see if they had any advice or could advocate for me. The emails (I sent 1 to each of 2 addresses) both bounced back. This morning I retried 1 of them and it sent successfully! I'm expecting a response to take a while. While trying to be patient and not jump ahead of myself, I kept reading and getting more and more discouraged.

Finally, I decided that it wouldn't hurt to at least try to call the German authorities. Chances are, I thought, they won't even speak English so they'll just be a little annoyed that some person wasted a few minutes of their time, but they wouldn't know who I was. I had to try SOMETHING! (I'm not good at waiting when I feel so desperate!) I had found contact information for about 15 people/departments that all looked like they were equally likely to be the people I needed to seek permission from. I just randomly picked one. After getting transferred to the person who spoke the best English (very good, IMO), I explained my situation and asked if he could help me to get this "permission" I needed. He seemed to understand exactly what I was wanting in terms of adopting, but he said that I had called the larger "State" (aka federal) "Central Authority" and I needed to seek this from the "Central Authority" over our region. *sigh* Apparently the term "Central Authority" doesn't seem to really mean much, because Germany has over 15 of them, he said! He acknowledged how confusing and silly this was, which does help some. At least it isn't just me! Anyways, he also explained that I could try to use a German "adoption agency" which is a misleading term because they are actually more like government entities than agencies, but he was able to lead me to a long list of them along with which countries they were qualified to adopt from. My country was not on any of the lists. AHA!!! Maybe THAT is the problem!! Maybe Germany cannot give permission for this adoption because Germany does not have an agreement with the country I want to adopt from and so those children have no precedent to come here! (This is my own idea, I have no idea if that's really the reason for all the problems or not.) Anyways, he said I should call my local "Central Authority" and see what they said. So, I did.

After much holding and a few transfers, I finally got the person I needed to speak to. She understood my dilemma and at first said it was not possible. It had nothing to do with Hague, she said. She said there is a law in Germany that basically says that if someone is a citizen of 1 country and living in Germany, they are not allowed to bring a child from a 3rd country into Germany. She made it sound like any adoption from ANY country other than US or Germany would be absolutely forbidden! Which is not what I had heard. I had been told if we adopt from a non-Hague country, there are no problems at all. Anyways, I kept asking if there was any way. She went on to say that if we were to use a German adoption agency, this would be no problem, except that Germany does not have an agreement with the country I wish to adopt from. Then she speculated that maybe we could try to use a German agency and just tell the government in the country we wish to adopt from that we are Americans and maybe they would make an exception. Um, no thanks. Sounds like there isn't a chance of that working! I also mentioned that I really want to work with a US agency so that I could communicate with them in English and so they could help navigate the US paperwork and make sure the child would be a US citizen. She said MAYBE we could use a US agency, but have a German Home Study, then maybe it could work? This seemed much more likely. But, I kept pushing because I didn't want the US agency to have to decode a German home study that may not be good enough anyways. I asked if we could use the person suggested to us from our agency. I explained that he lived here in Germany and was recognized by Germany as a diplomatic social worker. She took my name and phone number as well as his name and she said that she and some colleagues would discuss my case and she would call me next week. Oh, how I hope this is a good sign!!! I really hope they will make an exception in this one instance!!!! *crosses fingers* Now to try to remember to just BREATHE!!! I have a feeling this is going to be a very long week!

-V

A Road Block....

Everything has been going smooth....until today. Yesterday, I emailed the person the agency suggested for our home study. He lives here in Germany and apparently, they have worked together in the past, so he knows what their specific requirements are. I was asking how long the process took, how much he charged, and what documents should I start digging up to make the process easier and smoother (and quicker!). He replied with this:

I would be more than happy to assist you in getting your home study done, there are a couple of issues that have to be addressed before we can move forward. First, and foremost is that you (and Agency) are going to have to work with the German Central Authority (CA) to get permission from them for me to do your home study. This would be the case with anyone outside of the German system that would do the home study. I have yet to hear of anyone receiving this from the German CA. This is not to be pessimistic but rather the reality up to now. I have received permission from other Hague Countries (Italy,Armenia, Moldova, Ireland, etc.) to do a home study for a US citizen residing in that country. Since Country is a Hague Country and Germany is a Hague country then the rule is that the home study provider has to have permission from the host country to do a home study.

This is the reason no other agency would even try to help us. The Hague trifecta!! I still don't understand how this is so difficult. I would think it would be easier! Germany should just say "Hague adopting from Hague, so it's going to meet our standards. Ok, proceed!" But, Germany is just so strict and so complicated! I cannot explain how frustrating this is! I will spare you the political rant going through my head, but man is this discouraging! I forwarded the email to the agency in the hopes that they will know how to get around this problem, or at least can convince the German government to let us proceed with the adoption. Heck, I would even use a German to do the home study if I could find one! The Germans supposedly adopt too, but it's about impossible to find any help online about it! Just a few articles, but no agencies or anyone to actually help facilitate the process! So, here's to hoping the Agency can find a solution for us. Will keep you posted.....

-V

Great News!!

As I mentioned previously, there was finally an agency who was able to help expats. I emailed them with a rather long message trying to get on the same page with them. They never returned it. I am patient and I understand there's a massive time difference, so I give an extra day for that, but I want an agency that I can depend on to answer my questions in a timely manner, even if they are silly or redundant. If I'm going to be paying them good money, the least they can do is answer an email! So, I had about given up hope. The one agency that could help, wasn't a good agency. I also searched for ratings and read a horror story about their program. Well, not so much about the program itself, but about the guide in country. Kind of an important part though! So, I was nearly back to having to wait until we moved back stateside, which did NOT sit well with me, but I realized I wasn't in control and let go of the worry.

The next morning, (I LOVE God's timing!) I got an email from another agency that I sent my last SOS email out to. (The "please help, we're expats and I want to adopt anyways" email that I sent to SO many agencies!) They can help us!!! And, it gets better! They can help us start the process a full 6 MONTHS before we're technically eligible!!! I cannot tell you how overjoyed I am! I am a little teacup and God poured a lake at me! I have always wanted an agency who would work with me to get everything prepared BEFORE I'm eligible, so on my birthday, the paperwork can be delivered and we can be on our journey, rather than waiting another few months for paperwork and documents that could have been done. I almost never found this agency. It was only while looking at waiting children listings that I found them. (Yet another Godsend!) I'm so beyond excited!!! :-D Thank you, God!!

-V

The least of these....

I have accepted that I will probably not adopt through the "healthy" children program. I am ok with that. The list of "special needs" is so vast that I could still get a child fairly easily who had a very minor need (like a birthmark!) and I would never have to worry about surgeries or long-term health care or whether we could afford the time or money involved. This is easy to agree to! The wait for a minor need like that is a bit longer than a more severe need, but still nothing compared to the wait for a "healthy" infant. Also, not a difficult decision to make.

Enter God.

Sunday. I don't even remember where I was or what I was doing when God told me this, but He told me clear as day. "Truly I tell you, whatever you do for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you do for me." One of the "lease of these". Yeah, I'm thinking that the "easy" special needs kids probably don't fall into this category. So, I go and take another peek at the waiting child list on a non-agency specific site. I could see myself bringing any of them home. My heart has been absolutely broken for these children!

I didn't tell D, though. I figured I had thrown enough crazy and stress and emotion his way over the whole "no agency will help us and I'm going to cry" part. Besides, how could I help "the least of these" without an agency to support me? I had time. Last night (Monday), he says "Speaking of adopting. Are you absolutely sure we aren't supposed to adopt a kid with some more significant needs?" BAM! There it is! So, I told him all about what God had told me the day before and I cried and told him about some of the kids on the list and cried some more. So, there it is. God is calling us to care for one of "the least of these".....or maybe more than one. ;-)

-V

Meet the cast!

Here we are. A family of 5, living as expats in Germany. There's my husband D, my first son DJ (now 4 1/2), my daughter L (3), and my baby N (1). And, just in case that's not enough, we also have a beagle and a cat. Life's pretty hectic, but it's also FULL of blessings! And, let's face it, I love chaos. If things ever get too calm, I can't handle it! I don't do drama, but I like busy. (I also love to clean, so yeah, I'm a little weird. I'm ok with that. I think I get it from my mom!)

We moved here almost a year ago now, so we're pretty settled in and have the hang of the German lifestyle, basically. However, there is one MAJOR thing that threw a huge kink into my enjoyment of this foreign lifestyle....Adoption. I have always wanted to adopt a child when we got a little older! And, here we are. According to MY timeline, this is the time when I was supposed to do final research (to verify nothing has changed despite my many years of research) and finally select an agency! This is the part of the roller coaster ride where I finally start that slow ascent up and the anticipation builds and builds until that magic day when I can finally submit my formal application and be on my way to holding my adopted child, the one I've always dreamed of and have loved, even before my own natural children were born. But, alas, just as my fairytale was altered by having 3 natural children very close together (NOT the plan according to me), it's also being altered now. Turns out, adopting while abroad is a pretty complicated thing!

I have sent inquirys to every agency I can find, even the little itty bitty ones. Most of them regret to inform me that they only service those living in the US. Some give good reasons, others just act like they don't want the hassle. Some just pretend they never got an inquiry at all. I have managed to find a group that specializes in helping expats adopt! They are Hague-accredited and willing to do our home study, however, they don't have programs in the country I have dreamt of or even programs in countries I would be willing to adopt from instead. Despite the fact that I can get a home study done locally, US based agencies just don't seem equipped to handle this challenge. I even contacted a lawyer who's website bills her as a specialist in helping expats adopt and says she will go above and beyond to make it happen. Even she told me that it's just not possible. Not one to give up easily, I kept searching and searching. D kept telling me to just be patient, to wait until we move back to the states since that's what EVERYONE said I had to do. He likes to listen to reason and common sense. Me, not so much. At least not when it directly contradicts something I long so much for! The good news: I FINALLY found an agency that is willing to help us! I'm currently in the process of seeking more information from their agency and explaining to them exactly where I'm at so we can be on the same page in the hopes that once I apply, things will go much smoother and (hopefully) quicker! I am praying this is the agency that can make my dreams a reality! Stay tuned!

-V